First Horizon Bank
ATTN Staunch Lady with No People Skills
870 Lawrenceville Suwanee Road
Lawrenceville, GA 30043
Phone: (770) 338-7600

Dear Staunch Lady with No People Skills,

On Friday, May 20, 2006 around 11:30 my wife and I entered your branch as you were standing with some coworkers apparently admiring the carpet pattern or perhaps your moderately priced shoes. As we were also carrying our infant daughter our presence increased the number of non-employees in the building to three. When you approached my wife and asked if you could be of assistance, my wife explained that we were in need of a notary. You asked whether we had an account at your bank, and we stated that we did not. At that point you were kind enough to inform us of your bank’s seemingly inane rule that no such services were to be provided to non-account holders. When my wife pointed to an empty desk and mentioned that the person who normally sits there, a more accommodating and all around more pleasant colleague of yours, had provided us with notary services in the past, you shrugged and explained that “Erin probably didn’t know better.”

Ms Staunch Lady with No People Skills, I suggest to you that Erin does know better. She, unlike you, tries to impress upon all who visit her bank and ensure that they leave with a positive impression of the company. Erin may suspect that although someone does not possess an account at her bank she could, after providing him some service and a smile, entice him to become a customer. After all, if such a person enters a bank looking for a notary, one might assume that he is a) not a member of any bank and therefore might be interested in opening an account or, as is the case with me, b) a member of a bank that is not conveniently located to his home and therefore might be interested in changing banks. Indeed Erin evidently understands the value of cordial service and cooperation. You and the other off-task individuals who were lollygagging with you might do well to take a lesson from her.

Per your suggestion, my wife and I proceeded to Kroger where we found someone who gladly met our needs. In the future we will remember that you and your bank frankly do not care to turn pedestrians into patrons. Should we need any banking services from now on, be it notaries, mortgages, or checking accounts, we will seek assistance elsewhere. Thank you again for your lack of understanding and mindless adherence to such cooked-up rules.

Respecfully,

Kevin Black

Beginning this morning at 6:30 AM people started landing on cocktailswithkevin.com after googling — get this – Name a place where you’re often kept awake by someone’s incessant talking. I mean people from all over the United States, everywhere from Houston Texas to Sacramento California, to Birmingham Alabama to Joliet Illinois. It wasn’t just a slew of people all at once either. They came in scattered numbers throughout the day into the evening. How freaking bizarre is that?

I’m guessing there was some sort of trivia question either on the radio or some TV show. Or is it featured in a commercial? What gives?

I can’t help but picture Richard Dawson leaning in close to some suburban bimbo with home-highlighted hair¹ and saying to her almost under his breath, “Now if you get this one right, your family goes on to the bonus round; but if not, the Schlebotniks take the lead. Now . . . name a place where you’re often kept awake by someone’s incessant talking?”

If she’s like half the dimwits they ever had as contestants on that show, she’d wrinkle up her nose in cluelessness and say something like, “Ummm . . . a Port-A-John?”

SURVEY SAYS !!!???!!!??!

And then, as though what happens next should be any surprise to anyone with half the intelligence of a tire iron, three large X’s would appear on the screen and that familiar game show buzzer would bark out confirming this yokel’s unforgivable ignorance for both the studio and home audiences. She would leave the podium and return to her family’s side where they would applaud her dumbness and tell her it was a good try. Dumbasses.

Anyway, I feel bad for these internet pilgrims who click on my site thinking I have the answer they’ve been seeking. People, there are many answers to life’s most probing questions that can be found in the pages of cocktailswithkevin.com, so much so that you might consider looking deep into your heart and making a tax-deductible donation.

Just kidding.

It wouldn’t really be tax deductible.

Anyway, the answer to this most recently asked probing question could not be found here. Until now.

I did finally in my searching locate a site that listed several suggestions for this sixty-four thousand dollar question. Rather than list the site (because it’s far inferior to mine) I’ll just hit the highlighted answers. Some people said things like English class, a hospital or at church. I think the most popular answer and one that someone further noted was an answer to a radio trivia question (albeit in Australia and not the U.S.) was an airplane.

That makes sense. Even if the woman one row back isn’t talking directly to you when she’s asking a row-mate how long he was in Papua New Guinea, if he drank the water, or whether he’s accepted Kevin as his lord and savior, you can’t avoid hearing the conversation. And if it’s the redeye flight you’re on, you’re sure to be kept from those few desperately sought-after moments of semi-sleep by this nervous Nelly first-time flyer’s incessant talking.

So, for those kids in the back of the room who weren’t paying attention, the answer’s airplane.

Now for the next question: Who would actually drive the Chevy to the levy if they already knew that the levy was dry?

Show your work.

Hello and welcome to another exciting episode of Welcome to My Stuff™ . This is the time of the week when I take a snapshot of various belongings found throughout my home and share them with you, our home audience. Today’s edition of Welcome to My Stuff™ is a very special one indeed because not only will I be showing you some of my stuff, I will specifically be showing you some brand new stuff. Everyone loves brand new stuff, right?

Nod heads in unison, please.

I really should have taken a before pitcure because this room looked totally different until just today. Our TV lounge once was home to a mammoth cherry wood corner cabinet that served as our entertainment center and a mammoth pressboard computer desk that served as our computer desk. The two items together took up a gigundous amount of space in this 11′x12′ room, so much so that our sleeper sofa once pulled out would extend all the way to the edge of the desk and make late-night bathroom trips a real hassle for whatever guest slept closest to the window. What’s more, the room was never completely put together. Since the baby came along we were forced to squeeze our guest room and a home office into one room. This made for a room full of mismatched bulky furniture and an ambience similar to that of the dorm of two heterosexual fraternity brothers.

Yes, it was that bad.

And then there was Ikea, and Ikea was good.

Actually we already had one piece from Ikea in the room. It seems like it was only a few months ago that my wife and I were flipping through the language-free pictograms that make up the Ikea assembly directions trying to figure out how to put together the mammoth computer desk, otherwise known as the Jerker. If you’ve been to an Ikea you know that all the individual pieces of furniture have cutesy little Swedish-sounding names like Hensvik, Markör, and Tweedle Deedle LinGenberry Küche. Ok, I’m just kidding about the Tweedle Deedle Lingenberry Küche, but that does sound like a dessert you could buy in the store’s cafeteria. Anyway, the mammoth desk that was in the room was named Jerker.

On Meryl’s first trip to Ikea we walked away with the three new pieces of furniture you see here, the tv stand, the bookshelves and the computer desk to the far right. Their names, by the way, are Lack, Expedit and Mikael respectively. I put the computer desk together myself but Elaine tackled the other two items pretty much on her own. Well, I had started the bookshelves by joining two incorrect pieces together, but she finished it in spite of my goof. Isn’t she something!

We are definitely book and tchatchke people, so it was no problem finding things to fill the new shelves. It’s a work in progress but we’ve gotten a good jump on things. If you look closely you should see the full PeeWee’s Playhouse video series, a School House Rocks video, a shelf dedicated to travel guides, a trinket box with a gargoyle on top and a Smurf mug filled with pens and pencils.

There’s no prize if you find them. I know some bloggers offer prizes for people who correctly answer trivia questions and other such nonsense. This isn’t one of those blogs. Should you spot the hidden items in the photo, the reward you receive will simply be instrinsic. If on the other hand you’re in the Atlanta area and you’d like to be able to say you own something once owned by Kevin of cocktailswithkevin.com, $50 and a pickup truck that can haul it away gets you the corner piece entertainment center or $25 gets you the Jerker with an additional shelf.

Where else can you get a Jerker for that incredibly low price?

You can’t.